Childhood fetishes paraphilias and mental disorders galore

Ok this ones gonna be kinda gnarly. I’m simply gonna talk about the weird childhood experiences i had that relate to taboo sexual stuff, paraphilias, sadism disorder blah blah. So if you don’t wanna hear about some gross things go away. This shits gonna be raw and uncensored distempetor lore. It’s very very personal but i feel like i have to talk about it or I’ll implode. Maybe it will give u an insight into my psychology. And I might even show this to professionals if i do get help.

Back when I was a kid I was into some real wacky shit. I had a normal upbringing, no abuse took place whatsoever. Parents got divorced when I was 5 but it barely fucked with my psyche at all. All I know is that my mom was borderline helicopter parent, was over protective of me, especially after cps visited over me twice.

Regular sadism (not sexual)

Some early memories I have is being a lil aggressive towards certain things, mostly animals and insects. In my dads garden I would always smush woodlouse that gathered in massive crowds under plant pots. I also had an affinity for stomping snails :(

To put things straight I REALLY hated insects for some reason. I killed them without much thought, but also got a kick out of the power I felt after. I heard that this is normal for kids to do as they learn about power dynamics n shit. So I did that. Yea.  I was also aggressive towards certain plushies and toys. I remember having a freak out and wrecking one of them when i was 5.

I didn’t stop at insects. I also hated dogs, pigeons and birds in general. I never hurt these animals before in my life. I used to draw dogs shitting and pissing and being fat slobs because I hated them. I also remember planning out how I would capture pigeons using a bait and net and kill them. I’m pretty sure I hated these animals because they are known for shitting everywhere. Gross animals were not my friends. I also remember looking at dead mice and bird corpses. My grandmas cat brought dead animals indoors and i would stare at it. My mom never let me touch it tho.

I never actually acted out on whatever urges i had. I don’t know what i would have done if i was given a baby bird and a knife. Would i hurt it or not? Idfk. Definitely wouldn’t have hurt it if you gave me it now. No animals were hurt by me.

Fast forward to when i was about 8-12. Here i watched a lot of dino documentaries where small and baby dinosaurs were killed brutally. I also watched live feeding and wild life videos too. This fuelled my sadism once again. I fantasised about killing small animals and almost went as far as to plan out how to crush bird eggs. I wanted to buy nerf guns to shoot down nests and kill the eggs or baby birds. I went to a bird place and saw duck eggs and really really wanted to jump the fence and stomp on them. Sigh. Why was i like this? I also drew so much baby dragons getting tortured over and over. Anyway ur probably concerned as fuck right now so ill just let u know that i havent hurt animals nor do i want to. It was so nasty of me to think this way. I love animals, i wouldn’t hurt them. I get sad thinking of my budgies dying.

Inflation, vorarephilia and feederism

Though I really liked animals as a kid. Yea it’s weird considering I hated some at the same time. But I fucking loved them. I loved sheep and had an obsession with them since I was like 3. Loved farm animals (especially cows and sheep). 

I was always an artist and as I grew, I kept drawing sheep and cows all the time. In terms of fetish stuff, I drew cows with ASTRONOMICAL GARGANTUAN udders. I don’t know why the fuck I drew that. Maybe underlying inflation fetish?? Anyway I had funny feelings about udders and it doesn’t help that kids cartoons always have really weird fetishistic content around cow udders. That strange fetish went away though and i literally forgot about it until i wrote this. I also had a sheep costume and a butt tonne of sheep plushies. I wore the costume and stuffed all the plushies inside. Definitely felt funny doing that. Vore fetish for sure. It came after me reading kids stories where there’s vore involved. I remember seeing some picture in a book where there was an internal view of voreception. So my vorarephilia must have come from that. Since i watched a lot of kids movies and cartoons and shit i also developed mild feederism from seeing cartoon characters fat from eating lots of food. Like in ice age 3 theres a scene were the baby tyrannosaurs get fed and then they roll around all full. And in masha and the bear masha force feeds forest animals porridge. Tldr, kids media gave me common deviantart fetishes

Oviposition fetish

Right when angry birds came out I remember being obsessed with that game. I drew art of it. Some of the art was xray views of the birds with eggs in them. Gave me a weird feeling too. That could be the start of the oviposition fetish i have which i still enjoy.

Sexual sadism 

So now the concerning part. I played spyro since i was 3-4. Death was a new concept to me and that along with me hurting insects was probably my biggest interest at the time. I liked seeing spyro get hurt by enemies. Something about the hurt animations got me feeling things. This was my first and possibly last sexual sadism experience. I would draw spryo dead or being hurt by enemies all the time. I still have a couple drawings of that. One thing in particular was when i was about 9 i was playing spyro a heros tail and there are a couple piranhas that attack spyro and i replayed that over and over again and drew it. It’s a vivid memory cause it made me feel good. 

Was i aroused over seeing spyro get hurt? I truly don’t remember. If this was sexual sadism or regular sadism i’m not 100% sure. I don’t feel too much sexual sadism these days, just regular sadism. I do remember getting mildly aroused by ragdoll deaths recently though. On roblox there’s a game called era of terror and if you kill a dino you can pick it up and wiggle its corpse around and drop it off stuff. Seeing it fall into certain poses made me aroused kinda. Idk what this fetish can even be categorised as. Ragdoll fetish?? What??

I said i still experience sadistic thoughts. Yea. I do. But it has transferred from hairless baby animals towards fetuses and victor (my pathetic dragon character). I really dunno what to do with my sadism. My mom brushes it off and i’m not a danger to anyone or any animal. It’s just something i gotta live with and i got used to it. My sadism now revolves mostly around fictional characters but as i said i do get those feelings towards real fetuses. Anyway that’s that. Judge me all you want.

Infantilism and diaper fetish

There’s an episode of tom and jerry that focuses on diapers and infantilism. Oh boy did it give me.. stuff. You can guess what happened next. I fantasised about diapers as a form of sexual humiliation. This fetish disappeared for some reason. I don’t have it anymore.