What makes me hate sex so much?

Why i am so sex repulsed?

Im not gonna talk about my paraphilias here but u can read it here i was a kid i hated genitals. my mom said that if i used the potty i would always make my plushies turn around and not watch me. I had some sort of shame before i was taught about shame.

Anyway when i was entering puberty i didnt like the changes at all. Dick became more visible. Even tho i tried ignoring it.

When i was 7 i discovered what sex was cause i watched pitbulls breed on youtube. I ended up watching a lot of animals mating out of morbid curiosity. I also discovered rule 34. Once again i was young as hell. It did make me horny. Looking at the art and stuff. I never jerked to it though. I animated dinosaurs fucking and played with my dinos and made them mate. I cut a hole into my rubber dino’s ass and made her get fucked. I used to have a higher libido for some reason and i actually got hard via that stuff.

Never did i ever watch human porn. I barely knew what people looked like naked. I had 0 interest.

When i was in an online gay relationship with another guy he was my first relationship at 15 and was def the first time someone noticed my body in a sexual way. I entered the relationship completely convinced i felt sexual attraction (i didnt). Earlier in my life I barely gave attention to how I look, yea I still hated my body but nothing happened where i was super aware of it. I still dont know why i hated my genitals. I do but idk why. They gross me out? They’re impure?

We mutually sent nudes the entire relationship. It made me really scared at first cause i never looked at other people naked. I wasn’t a fan of doing that but I didn’t care, it was ‘cringe, but ok whatever’. Still hated how I looked at that time as well. Sometimes I’d have moments where I became super grossed out with sex and sexual stuff relating to me and told him. This happened a couple times. Think it was me trynna cope with being perceived by him. I internally hated how he saw me sexually. He always talked about genitals and sex non stop.

He convinced me to masturbate. At first i was terrified. He also said he always gooned to my nudes so i tried to as well but it was so distracting that i could never cum. We also did so on call. I had a masturbation phase until 2024 jan. Every time i jerked off i had horrible post nut down to me feeling suicidal over it.

I must also say that looking at sex related stuff like sex ed made me really mad. One time i remember being pissed that he kept denying me being ace.

He also drew me a lot too. It started bothering me later on cause A: I don’t look like that, B: I was always naked C: he kept drawing me as like a cute twink type persona, D: I really don’t like being seen as cute and innocent.

The whole autism thing was also annoying, he was like ‘teeehee I have an autistic silly bf’. He was def on board with the whole autism creature stereotype. (Once again i never said that I was upset about that). I remember before we broke up I told him that I hate how he sees me as something I’m not and something I don’t wanna be. He doesn’t like the fact that I’m not exactly a great person. (Ok thats a story for another day). We actually got into legal trouble for sending nudes. I aint talking about that but it fucked me up. When i first had sex with him irl my mom found out and she got super mad. I also started really regretting it too.

After we broke up in 2023 me and some other dude exchanged nudes online last year. At that time i just didnt care at all. I did it before so who cares right?

I quit jerking off last year and never felt better. I actually remember having a really hard time getting hard and cumming before i quit. My libido was always low btw. When i was about 15 i think i stopped getting horny from drawn porn.

I like nsfw if it isnt directed towards me. I know i dont get off on it but i like thinking about it and drawing it. I absolutely hate anything to do with my naked body or other peoples bodies. It disgusts me.